Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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