I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
