The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
