I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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