I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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