No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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