so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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