did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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