I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
