just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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