I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
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I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
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I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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