You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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