Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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