I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
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Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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