What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
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Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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