If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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