I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
