I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
