I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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