It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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