I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
