Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
