My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
