when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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