my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I touched a dick in church today
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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