I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
