My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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