So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
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It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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