idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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