Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
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when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
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No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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