Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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