I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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