Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
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He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
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You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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