I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
