I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
