she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
pop tarts are not kleenex
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
