i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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