my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
