It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
