My Higher Power is John Stamos
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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