I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
