Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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