guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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