i jhust puked up my retainher.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Vodka?
Forever.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
