i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
