You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
