Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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