on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
