I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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