my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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