The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
