Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
