don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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