oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
