I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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