i already hear my dad disowning me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
