Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
