smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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