i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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