It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
